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Falling Into Abuse Pt. 2

So, after this hotel date, I called him and said I think we didn’t need to see each other again. Why? Because there was nothing there. No attraction, no physical chemistry, no emotional chemistry, it was dead. His response is what killed the inner soul of my caring for everyone and he started crying. Who the fuck cries after knowing someone for 2 weeks and having no chemistry? This was not a “oh my god” connection this was so forced. Here he was triggering that side of me that hates to see anyone hurt by making me feel like I was destroying him. He even threw in some crap line like I will never find anyone. Ugh! I hate that line! Why do people do that? Of course, you will find someone. I know this now, but I was so sucked into the idea of saving everyone, that I gave in. What did I do? I went to his apartment on the weekend and spent time there. It was still forced. There was no communication and he was putting on such a good act, that I bought it. My head was not in the right place at that time and I started doing things I had never done before. I was never the kind to blow off friends for guys and that is what I started doing. I stopped returning phone calls, texts, or missing events in a whole. I lost myself and became so ingrained in the relationship, I started slipping. I no longer had the passion and energy I used to be filled with. My desire to write started slipping and I fell into a depression. All the red flags were there, and I saw them but as every day clicked by, so did the belt notches around my soul. I could feel myself being locked away. Everyone saw it but me. My friends were saying I needed to break up. Those guy friends who were my shoulders to cry on, well we were getting into screaming matches about what was going on. My friends eventually stopped trying and I just fell further into the web of lies he was spilling. I was so delusional that when he demanded I lose 60lbs, so he could find me attractive, I complied.

I started working out at the gym. At first it was an hour a day and then it progressed and progressed. He soon needed to know everything I was eating and if I didn’t have a calorie deficit, he told me I was being lazy. Listen to me, please do not risk your health for anyone! This was extremely dangerous, especially for me who had a history of anorexia and eating disorders. All this extreme diet and exercise fed the part of my brain that I had worked so hard to heal. I eventually was running every morning and then spending 3 hours in the gym trying to get the weight off. There were so many times that I almost passed out walking to my car. Other soldiers on the base thought I was crazy and several of the single ones even told me I should take it easy. None of them knew that this wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. This was the only way to stop the cruel words that flew so easily out of my ex’s mouth. After 3 months, I had lost 30lbs. 30lbs!! Now this may not seem like a lot, but I only weighed 160lbs when I met him. Dropping that much that fast and only weighing so much is beyond crazy and I am lucky I did not seriously injure myself doing this crazy stunt. For what ever reason, when he decided to propose I accepted and we went to the courthouse to get the marriage certificate. This was when he decided to come clean and tell me the cousin that was on his bank account was actually, wait for it, his ex-wife! Excuse me? You mean to tell me you had a wife and didn’t bother to tell me?! I am not one of those women who doesn’t understand life happens, relationships don’t work out, etc. For a moment I jumped into reality and I started to come to my senses. However, remember that debt I mentioned earlier. Yeah, well he took it upon himself to pay it and even though I didn’t want him to do it, he did. So, I knew I was obligated to be his wife because essentially, he had bought me. My heart sunk because I wanted to walk away, and this was my perfect excuse, but I knew he would not let me go. So, we walked to the court house and got married. It was a pathetic excuse of a wedding. There was no looking in each other’s eyes or even the look that we were in love. To be honest I wasn’t in love with him. My heart was still wrecked from my ex-finance, and I was just trying to fill the void. So, I entered into a paper contract after being bought and thought maybe things would get better now.

Boy was I wrong! Once he owned me, everything went to hell. Sex became forced, every article of clothing was criticized, make up was not allowed. Buying anything had to go through his approval process and when I got pregnant with our first child, it got worse. The slightest mood swing would be met with “if its that hard, go get an abortion!” This phrase stung because when I was 18, I was forced into an abortion by an ex-boyfriend and it was something that has always weighed heavily on my heart, even still to this day. I would fight him as best I could but I am not going to lie those black soulless eyes he possessed scared me to death. When I was pregnant he pushed me into the wall because I questioned him on something. He deployed during my pregnancy and I became a mess. I had no one. He had isolated me from my friends and when I would reach out, it was them not returning my phone calls. It didn’t help that at this time, my ex-finance was getting engaged to a nice Korean girl that fit his parent’s standards. I fell even more into depression. I was forced to be on Skype every day no matter what was going on. I spent my days on his schedule. It was awful and super stressful. When I decided to go to my parent’s house to have my daughter and at least have some help, it irritated him because he didn’t want to keep the apartment we lived in. He wanted to pocket the rent money for his own selfish wants. That wasn’t the worst of it.

After nearly dying in birth with our first child I was called a failure and bad mother because I couldn’t breastfeed our daughter and save him money. He didn’t care that I lost half my blood volume and could barely function. It was about what he wanted. I was demanded to be on Skype at the same time every day so he or his parents could see the baby. When I messaged saying I was too tired, he told me to stop being a bitch and get online. Oh, that word! Can I just take this opportunity to say how much I hate the word bitch? There is no more disrespectful word to me then when a guy uses it to describe a girl to get his way! Women please stop calling yourselves bitches, it is not in the least bit attractive. Be ladies or women but don’t lower yourself to being female dogs. Anyway, I would have to agree, or he would pull money from our joint account and then I would have no money to buy formula or diapers for our baby, since I was forbidden from having a job because it took attention away from him. I had completely lost myself into this situation. Even though I was basically a walking vampire looking for blood for the first 6 months of my daughter’s life, I managed to lose all but 5lbs of the baby weight and she was taken care of. I feel like that was my biggest accomplishment. I took care of her by myself. When he got back from deployment things got much worse and very fast. He was mad at me because I was not back to my pre-pregnancy weight and made me weigh myself in front of him. This was humiliating! My younger self was screaming inside my soul telling me to cuss him out or slap him, but I knew that doing anything like that would have drastic consequences which soon played out.

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Why I write

“Keep writing,” said my senior English teacher as I walked down from the stage at graduation. A graduation that was postponed by a semester due to some dumb choices I had made. Getting pregnant in high school is never on anyone’s bucket list. Neither was the abortion that followed due to shame projected onto me. I have never forgotten those two words that were said to me on the last day of graduation. Yet, I didn’t follow through. Life was never easy for me and I was never handed anything. Right after graduating I jumped straight into the working world and that became my new passion. I would work my 40 plus hours a week, take home a paycheck, and appease my parents all at the same time. I totally lost who I was. I was and will always be a writer.

Being a writer is in my blood. I have been writing since I could form words with my mouth and hands. I remember other children would be off playing sports or hanging out with friends, and I would be at home writing in my notebook or on my computer, once I finally had my own. I would write about some of the craziest and advanced imaginations for my age. I can’t tell you what my first short story contained but I can tell you that it definitely opened up a passion in my life. I loved everything English and when writing became a subject in school, well it is needless to say, that I more than thrived. Teachers were amazed that such a young brain could produce such intricate pieces of work. Let’s face most elementary and middle school aged children are not writing novels. It always amazes how easy the words flow onto paper and how I can create pieces that people actually want to read.

Writing has been therapy for me through the years. It got me through a cross country move and it helped me vent my frustrations with my current state of life. My first major novel was pretty dark and looking back it was nothing but a reflection of how I felt having to leave the friends and school I knew so well to be thrown cross-country to another school and trying to obtain friends. This was hard for me, because for some writers, we are so in our heads, we hardly have time to look up from our work. I was always viewed as the odd student because I liked when we were assigned essays. The more pages, the better.

I remember once in sixth grade we were asked to write a book report and the page limit was 2 pages. Two pages? How am I supposed to get everything I want to say about another literary piece in two pages. I remember the teacher turning in my direction and saying anything over two pages would automatically be knocked down a letter grade. It was pure torture for my soul. I remember going home that day and writing the book report in 30 minutes. However, it was 5 pages long…not 2! I panicked and spent the night editing it down and down. I remember even trying to argue that it was a disservice to set such a stiff requirement. I was just met with the usual, the gaze of “I’m the teacher, not you!” I was known as the girl who always had too much to say in essays to all my teachers. I could write 10 pages on the color blue and how it affected the world. Sometimes I even found my talent obsessive. I remember thinking some days that I wish I could write one page and be happy. However, that wasn’t me.

I think a lot of my excessive writing stems from being silenced in my home growing up. I was never allowed to express my feelings and I turned to writing for my outlet. I was the black sheep and I always tested that theory. I would push my parents limits because I knew I could. I knew they didn’t really want me and blamed me for them having to stay married longer. So, on days when life was too much and I didn’t feel like burdening a friend who was already suffering, I would turn to writing to release my anger, sadness, frustration, happiness. It was my therapy and sometimes it predicted my self-fulfilling prophecies.

I have always been a natural introvert. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and being social, but it takes me quite a while to become comfortable with people. I was painfully shy growing up and any time I expressed myself, I was met with rejection. My notebook never rejected me. My computer is another story, because technology can be temperamental. I knew I could always go to my notebook and write about the guy I liked, without the popular girls trying to force him on me. I used it as a way to vent my frustrations with school and teachers who wanted me to conform. In adolescence it is probably the only outlet that kept me from ending up another teenage suicide statistic. Writing has always been there for me and for whatever reason I turned my back on it.

After I walked across that stage on graduation day, I put the notebooks away and my thoughts just swirled in my head. Like I mentioned before I went straight to work. I used that to quiet the voices in my head and tried to be a productive member of society. The truth is, I am more productive if I am writing. Once I ended the bad relationship I was in, I started writing again. It got me through the loneliness of ending my relationship with my first love and it helped me prioritize. I headed to college and decided to major in Criminal Justice. Why you may ask? I love writing but hated being told what to write. I am too free spirited to have someone telling me what I need to write. English was my easiest subject, but I burned out quickly from all the forced subjects of which I didn’t have an interest to write about. Criminal justice was where my writing really thrived in college. I have always had a knack for the Justice system and it was probably the one subject that I had a lot to say about. The best part? My teachers loved my long essays and paragraph responses to questions. I was in the field of study to become a Profiler. I wanted to take down serial killers and I wanted to write about them as well. I had a whole “serial killer” series planned out in my head.

Everything was headed in the right direction. I was an A student and in an honor society and then my writing was killed by the one subject I was studying to do as a profession. I met someone in a time of weakness and they killed every last piece of me that existed. At first I thought it was a blessing, but as the years went on and I lost more and more of myself. I quickly realized he was my subject and I was supposed to be studying him, not marrying him or having kids with him. All my passion was sucked away by the poison he spilled. I wasn’t good enough to actually write my own works, but if he needed a masters paper finished, I was the one who was expected to bring in the A. Having my passion sucked from me for so many years caused me to become a shell of myself. It caused me to be numb to everything. I had friends and great conversations with people, but I wasn’t invested. Part of me was dead and I couldn’t figure out what it was. The minute I woke up to what was going on and removed him from my life, there was a panic. Who was I? What was I good at? I enrolled back in school to get a BSN in nursing and decided I was determined to be a nurse. However, something felt off. I felt like I was lying to myself. Criminal Justice was no longer my number one focus, as I had four kids to take care of and couldn’t risk their safety any more than I had. I couldn’t quite put my hand on the trigger and figure it out. I felt like an absolute failure in the state I was in.

Slowly however, the creativity that used to be a plague to my brain started flowing back. The smiles on my face actually started to look real. As I started to regain happiness and composure, I also regained my passion: writing. There is nothing better to me than grabbing a cup of coffee and siting in front of my laptop and just letting the words flow. Not every piece has to make sense. You just have to be honest with yourself. Writing is therapy and if you let it do the work, you can truly find what your true self is meant to be.

For me, that means listening to the two pieces of advice I received fifteen years ago. Had I listened and not veered the course, who knows how many best sellers I would have on the shelves. However, I hate living in what ifs and what could have been, so I am moving forward. This space will be where I share my thoughts, opinions, and literary pieces. Some days I may not make a lick of sense, but I will try to keep things interesting. Join me on my path to regain my passion and you will have some interesting reads along the way.

Relationships, Uncategorized

Don’t Settle

Let those that walk away, leave. Do not chase anyone who does not want to be with you. It will be their loss in the end. Now please don’t take this as me saying you don’t need to try. I feel like people give up early because they don’t want to put in the work. People give up because the other party doesn’t respond in a timely matter to them without taking into consideration what the other persons schedule is like. I have been on the receiving end of this many times. Guys assume I should answer a text in 10 seconds after receiving it and that I should be at their beck and call. That is not how any relationship works. You cannot base your life around another person, especially if they cannot understand your situation. It is not feasible for me to answer my phone at all hours of the day. I have four kids who require my attention and a job that requires me to do some work, you know?

If someone gets mad at you because you have a life, then they are not the right person for you. Now if this person never replies, and I mean never replies. If days go between responses, then they are just not interested, and you need to move on. If you feel like you need closure, then ask them if you should start dating other people. They will reply for sure and although you may not get the answer you want, you for sure get an answer. Take the answer and do with it what you must, continue the communication or write them off as nothing more than a friend and move on to the next. There are too many people out there to waste your life trying to please one that doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.

Relationships take work and if only one side is doing the work, it will never work. However, some people are too caught up in today’s world of instant gratification. People check their phone every 10 minutes looking for a reply text because that is what we have been taught. Information is at our finger tips, you can go on YouTube and get your 15 minutes of fame, and most models use Instagram and twitter to make money by how many likes and clicks on ads they get. No one wants to do the hard work anymore. You cannot swipe right and just expect your fairy tale romance to fall into your lap. You have to do the work. You have to communicate. If you cannot hold a conversation with someone, then you will never be able to experience the relationship you are longing for. You can’t just text and expect love to come.

Love is a chemical reaction between two people when the right amount of chemistry is involved. Ever wonder why some of the most beautiful women are with the most average looking guys? One word: chemistry. It isn’t money or fame, it is chemistry. These average looking guys can actually hold a conversation with a woman and keep her interest. Let’s face it people, looks fade. You will not look like you stepped out of the fountain of youth for the rest of your lives, so make sure you find someone whom you actually like beyond looks.

 

 

Relationships, Uncategorized

Don’t Give Up on Love

 

 

Lately I have been seeing many posts from ladies and guys alike saying they can’t find anyone to date because of x, y, and z. So instead of just staying true to themselves and weeding out the ones not right for them, they just want to give up. Why do people give up so easy on finding love? Maybe what they need to do is take a step back and reevaluate how they are approaching the whole subject. Stop spending your days wondering why Mr. or Mrs. Right hasn’t walked through the door and swept you off your feet. Spoiler alert: this is real life, there is no slow motion pause as the man or woman of your dreams walks through your favorite coffee shop or restaurant. Work is involved in finding love. However, what can be done is you can grow a thicker skin and allow yourself to be ready to face rejection.

Look I get that the dating world is tough. I was in a relationship and marriage for 10 years and was left with emotional bruises and scars and 4 kids. That is a lot for anyone take on and I knew that when I went back into the dating world. You know what I also knew? I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t. I know what I will put up with and I know my worth. In all honestly, if a guy says he is not interested because I have kids, I let him go. No hard feelings, because I remember before I got married and single dads would ask me out, I would say no because they had kids. Why? Because I wasn’t ready for the responsibility of having to love not only the guy but his kid. I also didn’t understand what it meant to date a guy with kids. I thought it meant I was going to be thrown into a parenting role off the bat, which is far from the truth. I also didn’t want to have to share my time with some kid that wasn’t mine, because I was young and selfish. However, after having kids, I realized that the assumptions I had are not true. Now listen, I know there are woman out there who strictly date to try and find a dad for their kids. These women, however, do not make up the majority of women with kids. Most of us don’t need them to take on that role, we need them to take on the role of being with us and seeing where that goes. I am also a firm believer that you shouldn’t bring up your kids on a first date. Why? Because you need to see if you even have anything in common with the person first. Why spend the date mentioning your kid or kids, if the person you are with is as dull as a doorknob? Now I am not saying hide the fact forever, but people need to do some vetting before they decide to mention kids to someone they go out on a first date with. Besides this, if someone decides, they do not want to pursue you because you have kids, it is not your fault. Do not put yourself down and decide dating isn’t worth your time because one person says they can’t handle the kid thing. You will meet someone who won’t even blink when you tell them you have kids and might even find you more attractive because you have a child. Now I am not saying this person is just going to fall into your lap, you will have to work to find them. Please, however, don’t spend your days searching for this person. Go out, take up a new hobby, learn a new language, get out into the world. You are more likely to find someone with the qualities you are looking for, if and only if, you put yourself out there.

Now another aspect I have noticed is ladies asking why guys are only attracted to model looking girls with perfect bodies? Halt! Now I am not going to lie men are visual creatures, but so are women. However, I used to think the same thing, but it is not true. Everyone has their own preferences to what they are attracted to and why. Some men are more attracted to physical aspects and don’t care about personalities or quality of the person. Run from these guys…run!! Most of them are dull and honestly have nothing to say. If a man cannot value your brain as well as your body, he is not worth your time. I mean he may make a good hook up, but nothing more than that. There are men out there who are attracted to the intellectual just as much, if not more, than the physical. No, they aren’t fat or unattractive, if that is what you are thinking. The saying beauty is on the inside is not said by ugly people. It is said by those of us who need to be able to hold a conversation with the person we are with to truly be attracted to them. I always say looks will get you in the door, but your personality is what keeps you there. It means, yes I need to be attracted to you, but if you have an ugly personality, you won’t be staying around. Ladies, please don’t change yourself for men. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself, not because it will make you more attractive to men. Men love confidence. Be confident in who you are all around, your looks, mind, how you carry yourself, that will earn you more looks than anything else. Also, smile more. Men are naturally attracted to happier women. No guy wants to approach a woman who is always scowling or looks like the world has pissed her off to the largest extent. This is common sense, but most people don’t seem to practice this. I sure as hell am not going to approach a guy who looks like he is pissed off at the world. Why? It’s not attractive at all.

Also, if people around you are telling you that you will never find love because you aren’t a size 2, have a kid, aren’t classically beautiful, you need to ignore them. You need to erase them from your life because toxic people thrive on bringing people down and making them feel worse about themselves. I have been told many times, I don’t deserve to be loved or to find love, and I just tell them, they don’t deserve to be in my life and move on. I have a thicker skin then most and cutting off toxic people in my life has always been easy. No one can tell you that you don’t deserve love. Everyone deserves love and to be loved. Please don’t allow others to make yourself feel like this is your truth. You need to know your worth. You need to love yourself. You can’t expect to find Mr. Right or Mrs. Right if you don’t even love the person you are. You can’t make others love you and the truth is not everyone will, so you need to be okay with that. Don’t just give up on love because you have been rejected. Rejection is part of the process. In business it takes 10 no’s to get 1 yes and the same can be said for love. Love is a numbers game. The more times you try, the greater chance you have to find the one person you have been looking for. If giving up is that easy, then maybe you need to take a step back, reevaluate yourself and try again when giving up isn’t an option. I will never give up, no matter how hard, how long, it takes because in the end, when you find the love you have been longing for, you will forget how awful or long the process was. So, don’t give up, because giving up is easy, and finding a happily ever after, however you define it, is not easy. Nothing good comes from giving up and who knows, that one person you are longing for, may be right around the corner but you are going to miss that opportunity because you decided to give up instead of powering on.

 

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Welcome!

Now that I have you trapped in the lair or my blog, I will take a few moments to introduce you to your new master. 🙂 Just kidding! As you we go through the days and weeks, you will realize this type of speech is my go to at all times. Also, for those of you who have extreme linear minds, I will warn you now that my mind is like an ADHD kid on too much sugar, it goes everywhere. Wasn’t this supposed to be an introduction post? Anyway, thank you for joining me on this new journey and I hope you enjoy what is posted.

So now for the real introduction. My name is Sarah, nothing too exciting, right? I am a divorced mother of 4 kids (yes, I said 4). I currently am a nursing student while I leave my in home retail business. With all that on my plate, I decided why not get back into writing. Writing has always been my passion and after leaving an extremely abusive relationship, it was the one way I worked through my issues. Plus, it is cheaper than therapy. 🙂

So this blog will be where I share some of my older literary works, keep you updated on the 4 kids that dictate my days, share what I am currently working on and it will be an overall peek into my life. Nothing crazy, well it might get crazy. However, even if it does, I invite you to join me on this ride!