So, after this hotel date, I called him and said I think we didn’t need to see each other again. Why? Because there was nothing there. No attraction, no physical chemistry, no emotional chemistry, it was dead. His response is what killed the inner soul of my caring for everyone and he started crying. Who the fuck cries after knowing someone for 2 weeks and having no chemistry? This was not a “oh my god” connection this was so forced. Here he was triggering that side of me that hates to see anyone hurt by making me feel like I was destroying him. He even threw in some crap line like I will never find anyone. Ugh! I hate that line! Why do people do that? Of course, you will find someone. I know this now, but I was so sucked into the idea of saving everyone, that I gave in. What did I do? I went to his apartment on the weekend and spent time there. It was still forced. There was no communication and he was putting on such a good act, that I bought it. My head was not in the right place at that time and I started doing things I had never done before. I was never the kind to blow off friends for guys and that is what I started doing. I stopped returning phone calls, texts, or missing events in a whole. I lost myself and became so ingrained in the relationship, I started slipping. I no longer had the passion and energy I used to be filled with. My desire to write started slipping and I fell into a depression. All the red flags were there, and I saw them but as every day clicked by, so did the belt notches around my soul. I could feel myself being locked away. Everyone saw it but me. My friends were saying I needed to break up. Those guy friends who were my shoulders to cry on, well we were getting into screaming matches about what was going on. My friends eventually stopped trying and I just fell further into the web of lies he was spilling. I was so delusional that when he demanded I lose 60lbs, so he could find me attractive, I complied.
I started working out at the gym. At first it was an hour a day and then it progressed and progressed. He soon needed to know everything I was eating and if I didn’t have a calorie deficit, he told me I was being lazy. Listen to me, please do not risk your health for anyone! This was extremely dangerous, especially for me who had a history of anorexia and eating disorders. All this extreme diet and exercise fed the part of my brain that I had worked so hard to heal. I eventually was running every morning and then spending 3 hours in the gym trying to get the weight off. There were so many times that I almost passed out walking to my car. Other soldiers on the base thought I was crazy and several of the single ones even told me I should take it easy. None of them knew that this wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. This was the only way to stop the cruel words that flew so easily out of my ex’s mouth. After 3 months, I had lost 30lbs. 30lbs!! Now this may not seem like a lot, but I only weighed 160lbs when I met him. Dropping that much that fast and only weighing so much is beyond crazy and I am lucky I did not seriously injure myself doing this crazy stunt. For what ever reason, when he decided to propose I accepted and we went to the courthouse to get the marriage certificate. This was when he decided to come clean and tell me the cousin that was on his bank account was actually, wait for it, his ex-wife! Excuse me? You mean to tell me you had a wife and didn’t bother to tell me?! I am not one of those women who doesn’t understand life happens, relationships don’t work out, etc. For a moment I jumped into reality and I started to come to my senses. However, remember that debt I mentioned earlier. Yeah, well he took it upon himself to pay it and even though I didn’t want him to do it, he did. So, I knew I was obligated to be his wife because essentially, he had bought me. My heart sunk because I wanted to walk away, and this was my perfect excuse, but I knew he would not let me go. So, we walked to the court house and got married. It was a pathetic excuse of a wedding. There was no looking in each other’s eyes or even the look that we were in love. To be honest I wasn’t in love with him. My heart was still wrecked from my ex-finance, and I was just trying to fill the void. So, I entered into a paper contract after being bought and thought maybe things would get better now.
Boy was I wrong! Once he owned me, everything went to hell. Sex became forced, every article of clothing was criticized, make up was not allowed. Buying anything had to go through his approval process and when I got pregnant with our first child, it got worse. The slightest mood swing would be met with “if its that hard, go get an abortion!” This phrase stung because when I was 18, I was forced into an abortion by an ex-boyfriend and it was something that has always weighed heavily on my heart, even still to this day. I would fight him as best I could but I am not going to lie those black soulless eyes he possessed scared me to death. When I was pregnant he pushed me into the wall because I questioned him on something. He deployed during my pregnancy and I became a mess. I had no one. He had isolated me from my friends and when I would reach out, it was them not returning my phone calls. It didn’t help that at this time, my ex-finance was getting engaged to a nice Korean girl that fit his parent’s standards. I fell even more into depression. I was forced to be on Skype every day no matter what was going on. I spent my days on his schedule. It was awful and super stressful. When I decided to go to my parent’s house to have my daughter and at least have some help, it irritated him because he didn’t want to keep the apartment we lived in. He wanted to pocket the rent money for his own selfish wants. That wasn’t the worst of it.
After nearly dying in birth with our first child I was called a failure and bad mother because I couldn’t breastfeed our daughter and save him money. He didn’t care that I lost half my blood volume and could barely function. It was about what he wanted. I was demanded to be on Skype at the same time every day so he or his parents could see the baby. When I messaged saying I was too tired, he told me to stop being a bitch and get online. Oh, that word! Can I just take this opportunity to say how much I hate the word bitch? There is no more disrespectful word to me then when a guy uses it to describe a girl to get his way! Women please stop calling yourselves bitches, it is not in the least bit attractive. Be ladies or women but don’t lower yourself to being female dogs. Anyway, I would have to agree, or he would pull money from our joint account and then I would have no money to buy formula or diapers for our baby, since I was forbidden from having a job because it took attention away from him. I had completely lost myself into this situation. Even though I was basically a walking vampire looking for blood for the first 6 months of my daughter’s life, I managed to lose all but 5lbs of the baby weight and she was taken care of. I feel like that was my biggest accomplishment. I took care of her by myself. When he got back from deployment things got much worse and very fast. He was mad at me because I was not back to my pre-pregnancy weight and made me weigh myself in front of him. This was humiliating! My younger self was screaming inside my soul telling me to cuss him out or slap him, but I knew that doing anything like that would have drastic consequences which soon played out.